“Losing It” is a series detailing real accounts of people who have transitioned away from faith, particularly Christianity. The following story in the Losing It series is written by a TUFC Guest Author, Britney of Britney Dearest. It has been edited only for syntax and flow.
Abusive comments will absolutely be deleted from moderation. Comment discretion is advised.
Estimated Reading Time: 9-12 Minutes
Have you ever thought about why such a perfect, powerful God chose to have everything about him limited to a book written by imperfect, powerless men?
If He is our Father, shouldn’t He rely on one on one communication with his children, the way a parent naturally does, without a middle man called the bible or the holy spirit? I have and it led me on an incredible journey to truth.
I identified as Christian and had been a member in the body of Christ church for as long as I can remember. My belief in God transformed from a lesson of my childhood into a personal relationship as I grew into my teens. I always wholeheartedly believed in the Bible, but I wasn’t a good little saint. I always struggled with the thought of going to hell, but ultimately chose my own way over the right way more often than not. Blame peer pressure.
It wasn’t until the pregnancy of my first child, almost ten years ago, that I decided to take my relationship with Christ seriously. The failed relationship between my child’s father and I brought on kind of a mental breakdown during my pregnancy. Broken and feeling the need for healing, I joyfully joined my parent’s non-denominational Christian church and became dedicated to sainthood.
I attended church every Sunday. I praised and worshipped. I had a walk-in closet that doubled as my prayer closet and I read my Bible daily. I ministered to people. I didn’t drink alcohol or go to clubs. I wasn’t perfect by any means, but I was very proud and open about my faith.
My outreach over the last 8 years or so positioned me as a spiritual mentor, counseling young mothers to help them grow out of their sinful habits. My Christian faith was a major, intense part of my life. I shared scriptures and spiritual encouragement through social media and with whomever I could in person. My inbox overflowed with requests for advice on personal matters from people who wanted to grow in their faith.
Early 2015 signaled the beginning of the end of my Christian faith.
I’m almost positive it was a result of watching a Sam Harris “Atheist vs. Christian” debate on YouTube. I felt as if the Christian had won the debate because I strongly believed everything he argued, but I walked away with a whole new perspective on the character of God. It was then that I began to acknowledge the strong doubts I held about my beliefs.
As I began to research the history of Black Christianity and the bible, I sought out my parents for advice. They encouraged me with scriptures and prayer to keep me focused on my biblical beliefs. I wanted it to work so I could have peace from the voice in my mind but the thoughts and questions remained.