Yep, I’m a Christian Atheist.
It took me some time to acknowledge that this title fits me. To be fair, I’m still not proud to hold this title but it’s true. I’m an active, practicing Christian Atheist.
“There is a difference between believing in God, and trusting in God. The most difficult and challenging threat to Christianity is not atheism but, Christian atheism. Believing in God, but living as if He isn’t real. And that affects the church more than atheism. And the threat to our faith comes from us who say we believe in God, but the question is ‘do you live your life as if God isn’t real?’ Do you act as if there is no God, even though you sing and worship in church, and then when the service is over, do you really trust that God?”
—Pastor Howard-John Wesley
I unequivocally believe in the existence of God yet, I don’t trust God with everything in my life. I have a mental rubric of what I feel I can/should trust God with and what Danyelle should be able to handle on her own accord. I operate in the mindset that God gives us many tools for us to handle and solve problems on our own. I’ve always resented the teaching that you take E V E R Y T H I N G to God in prayer. Like, did God not give you common sense or…?
I’ve always resented the teaching that you take EVERYTHING to God in prayer.
But, is this type of mindset reflective of trusting God completely?
Am I living my life as if God isn’t real by trying to define what’s God-tier and Danyelle-tier?
One of my greatest struggles is striking a balance between emotion and logic. If asked, my best friend would probably tell you it’s my unyielding logical self that drives her absolutely nuts about me. She’s incredibly emotionally driven and I’m unquestionably logically led. There’s two things that cause the greatest upsets for logic-driven people: religious faith and love/relationships.
One of my present struggles is dating. I think I’m undateable for a myriad of reasons that have been socially reinforced. I’m not a petite woman (I’m 5’9″, 22/24 dress size) and oft cite this as a reason that I’m not approached by men as frequently as my smaller friends and associates. The first response is that I could/should lose weight. My retort is that my weight will be variable my whole life but my body shouldn’t be a prerequisite to my eligibility to date. Logically I know there are suitable partners who will not need to “look past” me to see me and the beauty within. Yet, if you ask me, even men who are physically attracted to me will not want me for some reason or another (my education, my salary, my decision of celibacy). Ultimately, I’ll tell you it’s everything but what I’m projecting. And I’ll tell you I think it’s illogical to pray about it.
I’m serious. I truly think that praying about having a partner seems stupid. Like how cliche can I get praying about having a man? How much of a lonely, vapid person do I have to be to pray about that? People out here praying for real things and I’m praying about some bulls**t of having a man? Why does that matter to God? Surely this is a Danyelle-tier problem because all of my aforementioned arguments as to why I’m undateable are surely fixable by my own hand, right?
Yet, that’s not living like God exists.
It’s living like He doesn’t and that He is incapable of handling all things. It’s living like a Christian Atheist.
God cares because my feeling of being undateable (and thusly unloveable from an Eros perspective) hurts me. God cares because he knows that hurt will root itself as bitterness and cause distance between he and I. He cares because he cares about me as His own. The Christian Atheist has a hard time accepting this because it makes them realize how inept we are in our own power and accord. It’s forces us to evaluate our true submission to the God we sing worship songs about each Sunday.
Prayer reveals to me that my issues are rooted in distrust of men and in relinquishing the issues to God. This is when I realize that my issue is not Danyelle-tier, it’s God-tier. I have to decide to trust God to make me strong enough to know I am always good enough. I have to trust Him to know that discerning wisdom will speak and show a person’s true motives. I have to trust God to give me enough strength to not make continued mistakes as I have in previous relationships. Danyelle has work on TRUST and the first person I have to fully trust is the spirit of the living God in ME.
I don’t have a nice, neat button to end this post. I can’t tell you that I’m 100% improved with unwavering trust and belief. I’m honestly working on it and admittance is the first step. Maybe your issue isn’t dating, but you might be struggling with Christian Atheism too. I tell my story to tell you that you’re not alone, weak, or less of a believer. We’re in this fight together.
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I love this post. I’ve struggled in my walk, wondering why I couldn’t be like my well-adjusted Christian peers and just, you know, ~submit~. Much of my resistance to trusting in God was because submission, to me, meant being just like them; as “well-adjusted” as they were in their church community and life, they lacked the traits of empathy, non-judgmentalism, and fire-lit activism that I desired to express in my own fledgling walk. Alas, I needed the “holy ghost” after speaking in tongues and being baptized? They had no time for me, and as a result, I began to doubt god and where I stood with her/him/them (God). My experiences have left me to a richer way of thinking, doing, and being, but I still have issues with “let[ting] go and letting God” because of the pain experienced. And still do…I think the responsibility is MINE to handle my issues mySelf, as I was shown three years ago that I should and could. I can’t trust God through the church; I’ve got to do it myself. Ill come to know what surrender means someday; but it won’t be through the church. Thank you for this post.
I never thought of Christian Atheist, but that’s a perfect name for living like God does not exist! I always ask myself, do I really trust God? And if the answer is yes, then why am I living as if He’s not real in my life. This was a great read and I’m glad God placed it on your heart to share! It’s encouraging!
Not sure how I ended up here, but this was like reading my own thoughts.
Thanks for reading! Doesn’t matter how you wound up here, as long as you come back for a visit!
This is so relatable and timely for me! I recognize that I’m a Christian Atheist, and I’m not at peace about it. I want more out of my spirituality than having beliefs and doing good to others. Thank you for writing this; this piece really ministered to me.
Thank you for reading it! I always say I’m the first partaker of anything that I write.
Found you through Mamademics. You’ve put into words many of the same thoughts I have. I was raised in the church, and taught to bring “everything to God in prayer,” but feel like people are praying for jobs and to feed their children–so why does my beef at the job matter? Thank you for sharing your truth.
Good read! When I was in the church body I had those same thoughts. I thought it was very carnal and the complete opposite of humble to ask for things that I didn’t think should be important to God when there are people in the world suffering from worse. Nowadays I’m more opposite of a Christian Atheist. I’m not a Christian but not an atheist either. Agnostic, I suppose. It doesn’t hurt to put things out there though. I still believe in speaking things into existence, putting things into the universe many say. Doubters should try that until they actually believe it. Daily, tell yourself “I am loveable!”
As you should! I think the power of words goes beyond the bounds of Christianity. You really can (and should) speak the path of your life into existence. I’m still quite Christian leaning, but I no longer believe in “Santa God” pretty much. I’ve had to acknowledge the many complexities and levels of my faith and how it interplays with my identity as a Black woman. Love, love, love your comments and thoughts.
Very interesting perspectives, insights, and observations. I did not know that what I was feeling had a name. Thank you for your courage to share
Such a great read. You’re not alone either.
#BLMGirl
Great read and interesting perspective. Coming over from BLM Girls
You have captured perfectly some of the challenges I’ve had over the last several years, while also leaving me with a feeling of conviction. And for that I thank you!
In my Christ-walk, I too find myself sometimes wondering “does God really care about this, it’s so trivial in the grand scheme of things”. It’s like having all these first world problems while there are some SERIOUS issues facing the church around the world….why bug God about *this* thing??
But similar to your conclusion, I remind myself of what the bible says, that he cares for me and everything concerning me. Now I just need to bridge the gap between KNOWING that and LIVING that.
Great post sis!