The thought of walking away from my faith was hard to bear. I couldn’t fathom it. The fear of loss and judgment by loved ones. The fear that perhaps it was just me forced me to convince myself that I was wrong. I was surrounded by so many awesome believers whose lives had been completely transformed for the better because of faith in Jesus, including my own. Like a good Christian, I stuffed those doubts deep into my subconscious somewhere and shamed the devil for making me have them.
In the summer of 2015, I was becoming overwhelmed trying to balance my growing church responsibilities with my duties as a wife and mother. The joy and comfort the church once brought was slowly replaced by guilt and dread. I was often late on Sundays I didn’t have to sing. I wasn’t always able to go to the women’s group once a month. Sometimes I felt tired and didn’t want to attend Bible study, but forced myself to go anyway. Whether it was choir, bible study, or children’s church: you name it, I was giving a piece of myself to it. I found myself at the church almost every time the doors were open. Burnout was quickly rising while my passion continued to plummet.
***
I constantly felt as if I wasn’t doing enough within the body of Christ. I couldn’t tell if I what I felt was a conviction from the Holy Spirit or from the pulpit. The pastor laid his guilt on thick; constantly preaching “your commitment to God is shown through your actions which includes your dedication to the fivefold ministry. If you can attend kids or major league sports events and other events outside of church you should be able to serve in God’s kingdom when asked because God’s work is more important. You should want to be at church hearing the word and surrounded by godly folks.” I tried really hard to live a life pleasing to God, but still felt guilty because I didn’t desire to do everything that was asked of the congregation. I felt less than worthy.
The decision to leave came with its own complexities. Leaving the church would prompt questions and whispers. I knew that the moment I missed more than a few Sundays my parents would be questioned of my whereabouts at my small, close-knit ministry. I didn’t want to be seen as another Christian that fell off.
Still trying to cleave to my slipping beliefs, I began visiting other churches. I even found one that my children and I loved. It was lead by an awesome pastor who didn’t sugarcoat the word but brought it in love. My children, who once dreaded children’s church, were suddenly excited about the bible and would beg me to attend church. Yet, it just wasn’t enough.
Growing tired of forcing a passion that no longer existed, I stopped going to church altogether. My children realized the absence after a month passed without a church service. I continued reading my Bible and prayed for clarity. I stayed in contact with other believers. I believe God knew my heart and he knew that whether I was in or out of the church building my main focus would be him. I became very content and at peace with my decision to stop attending church and thought my absence would be temporary.
Little did I know that my temporary absence would lead me to embracing my truth: I am an agnostic Black woman.
Away from the noise of the pulpit, church members, and personal opinions of believers, I was able to begin to think critically about the God I’d spent my life worshipping. While reading my Bible, I began to shift my view of God as benevolent father. I allowed myself to see him through the eyes of those who were born into pain and suffering. God began to seem more like a parent showing favoritism than fair and just.
1
I most definitely understand. Thanks for reading! Love your outfits btw 🙂
I enjoyed reading this immensely. Many of my friends are church going Christians. I learned a while ago to “not go there” lest I be dragged into an inpromptu bible study or lesson on the importance of being saved. At one point I even contemplated getting baptized, you know, just in case. But I decided going through the motions would be disrespectful to those that truly believe. Instead, I strive to live by the golden rule. Like everyone else, I fall short time to time. That’s when I remind myself that effort is all that can be expected of us mere mortals.
I meant that other comment for thestyleperk. Whoops! I can most definitely relate to what you mentioned about an impromptu bible lesson lol. Since my experience has been posted to this site I have received five messages of people sharing their testimony and suggestions for books they have read that helped build their faith. I understand where they’re coming from because I was the same way, but being on the other side now I see how irritating it is lol. I’ve heard numerous stories already.
Interesting read and perspective, thanks for sharing. I could never imagine stepping away from my faith, and I truly believe in my heart that God and Christ are real, but I know others have different beliefs and experiences! #BLMGirl
This was very well written Britney. Of course as you have come to your conclusion in your beliefs I have been reassured by mine. I will say this I notice throughout your article and the view into your life through Facebook and your blog that your husband wasn’t a strong believer in Christ, my husband wasn’t either. I knew this would greatly affect my religion and our marriage, I prayed that if God had put it in my heart as strong as He had to love him (God), and honor my husband then God would bring him to Christ. And he answered! It is hard I would say nearly impossible to not be equally yoked in a marriage, compromise happens, and someone “looses”, in this case your relationship with Christ lost.
I am not here to judge you or condemn you. I believe everyone is entitled to their opinion, I am also happy to discuss this more, but as I’ve been very vocal in my belief system I know there is no other answer than The Holy Trinity.
Thank you for reading and commenting Jazmine :-). Please don’t assume things. My husband is not the cause of the failure of my relationship with Christ. The last few years our unequally yoked relationship was a good one. We both had respect for our differences and he never tried to convince me not to believe, although there were times I tried to make him believe. He actually encouraged me to keep going to church telling me that “maybe the holy spirit will help you believe again” because he saw how difficult it was for me to face the fact that I was losing my faith in the Bible and Jesus/God. My journey is one of my own doing. Even though neither of us are believers we still have very different ideas and opinions about spiritual matters.
Deep sis. Great writing. As people begin to ask the questions that we’ve all wanted to ask–but were scared to be condemned so we suppressed them–they will start figuring out more than just what we’ve been “taught.” Through all the good moral teachings, that some were found in earlier belief systems, you begin to notice things that don’t make sense and wonder more. It’s so much to process, so many levels to discuss and think through (capitalism and religion, pre-slavery, coincidences of other systems, etc).
I appreciate your honesty and heart. I still revisit our conversations as I go deeper into the non-matching of religion and history, my personal experiences and what’s best for my family. I thank you for that.
Thank you for reading and commenting! I really appreciate it! I’m excited to see what you and your gorgeous wife have in store with Melanin Connoisseur!